I decided to resurrect Adventures in Dacialand after a long
hiatus due to a Bikini Barista stand by the name of Blendz Girls moving into my
little Podunk of a town in Nowhere Western Washington. I would like to start
this article by clearly stating that I, in no way shape or form, care whether
or not scantily clad ladies are hanging out in a box on downtown street US of A.
However, I would also like to state for my readers out there that I am rather Fascinated
by these businesses and I will tell you why. My only hope is that some lovely
lady at one of these stands would read this and answer all of my burning
questions.
In a past life I worked as barista – one which required me
to be fully clothed. What I really want to know is when these girls wake up in
the morning to go to work, are they really arriving at 5 a.m. in lingerie? Now; as a young(ish)
woman, I can’t tell you a time when I was actually excited – nor looked good –
nor felt comfortable – wearing lingerie. In the past if I actually felt the
need to wear such clothing, I would wait until evening (when it was pitch black
outside with no chance of light for hours), there were no chance of guests
dropping by my house to visit, I had had a few boxes of wine and after
evaluating the garment for a long while – mind you this stuff sat in its
Victoria’s Secret* bag for months if not years before its “big reveal” – I would
finally muster the courage to adorn it only to yell at my partner to shut the
damn light off and to quit looking at me while I dove under the blankets only
to take the lingerie off and fall asleep due to the wine. So really – 5 a.m. with daylight around the corner,
strangers and coffee (not wine)?
Secondly, I like my co-workers. They are decent human
beings. We all work together because we don’t have a choice and we are all
committed to the long haul. However, all of that being said – I don’t ever want
to see ANY of them in anything less than a bulky turtleneck sweater, trousers,
and more layers of clothes due to the excessive air conditioning in my office. I
don’t even really want to be able to differentiate between male or female co-worker.
So, when these girls go to work, and their box partner is wearing, let’s say a
thong and pasties – where do you look? Do you compliment her choice in blue
pasties rather than red because they bring out the color in her eyes? I just
wonder how awkward that is. I would like to note here that I also have a phobia
of naked people who walk around gym locker rooms for the sake of it being a gym
locker room and they are allowed to be nude. I agree their nudity is slightly
more appropriate; however I stress the word slightly.
Staying on the topic of clothing…I live in Western
Washington. It isn’t a part of the country that I would necessarily consider “balmy”.
In fact, I wear *yawn* office attire to work and most of the time I am wrapped
up in my wool dress coat and Snuggie, shivering in fingerless gloves while I
type. Tomorrow morning, the temperature outside is supposed to be 34 degrees at
6 a.m. How do these girls not
freeze when they go to work in fishnet leotards and go-go boots? Are the boots
that insulating? If so, I would like someone to post a link to where I can purchase
a pair for my own wardrobe – seriously.
Still on the costume kick – how much are these ladies
spending on these get-ups? They are like mini-celebrities in that they can’t be
caught twice in the same outfit. As any woman knows, lingerie is ridiculously
expensive (which baffles me, but that could be another post entirely). So are
they able to write that off on their taxes or does their employer supply the
costumes? I can hear it now, “Bambi,
tomorrow you are going to be a sailor and Buffi, you are going to be red riding
hood – but a slutty red riding hood.” And my biggest burning
question, do they stop by the store on their way home for a gallon of milk in
their crotchless teddy? If so, I have some single guy friends that would like
to know which grocery store they frequent. (Bambi and Buffi, if you are reading
this, you can PM me.) J
I understand that you can earn really good tips by showing
some skin. I am totally not that out
of touch with reality. In fact, if my employer offered that, I might ditch the
Snuggie. (Heavy on the might.) However, what kinds of men are tipping that
money? I am venturing a guess that women don’t frequent these barista stands as
their hate messages clearly imply they won’t be taking their mini-van and ten
snotty children for a stroll in the drive-thru lane, so we are left with men. I
would also like to remove men who respect (fear) their angry mini-van wives,
gay men, and you’re left with single men before 8 a.m. and then bums and criminals for the rest of the day. Do
these women really want to interact with this type of clientele? I would guess
the answer is no, considering they are attractive women and have “bubbling
personalities”**. If I were them, I would rally for a bodyguard and/or bouncer.
As a customer, I would like it advertised better when there
is a bikini barista in the area. I am a total lookie-lou and would love to do a
drive-by of these establishments and then tell all my friends about them.
However, the name “Blendz Girls” doesn’t tip me off to what the business
actually is. Just as there is a male bikini barista stand in Bremerton named, “Banana
Hammock”. I was disappointed that these men didn’t sell bananas or hammocks and
instead I got stuck with a crappy cup of coffee that was overpriced. Please, to
anyone who is operating one of these businesses, name them appropriately.
Edmonds, Washington was smart with theirs and named it “Java Jugs”. I get that
nomenclature.
Finally, I would like to end this post on a serious note, I
hope all these ladies are safe, don’t burn their pretty body parts with
scalding hot water, and enjoy the crazy career that they have started – Go get
those dollars naked ladies! You earned it!
*Ross
**Direct quote from an adoring customer on Facebook.
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