Adult ADD

I often wonder if I am a victim of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. I seem to sign up for things and then all of the sudden my attention is diverted and the first thing that seemed fun is no longer interesting. You will often find this behavior when you observe two-year-olds. The only benefit of me having ADD is that I will most likely not whack my friend over the head with a wine bottle to take her glass because hers looks better*.

Some of the things I have signed up for have been a half marathon – which I stopped training for. And the National Novel Writing contest – which is half over and I am only ¼ of the way through my 50,000 word count. Hmmmmm. The things that I am suddenly interested in are my CD collection, reading, and sleeping**.

The half marathon is going to hurt. It’s in Seattle which equals that most of it is going to be UP HILL and with my luck, probably BOTH WAYS. I was okay with paying almost the $100 for the entry fee+ and I was deliriously optimistic about my chances of actually finishing the race—until I started talking to people about it. I told my co-workers that I was going to actually RUN the entire 13.1 miles. I told people that I would SMILE when I crossed the finish line. I told my family and friends to come WATCH. What the hell was I THINKING??! Clearly nothing. My boss, sweetest guy ever, looks at me with pity in his eyes and says, “Dacia, there is a really big hill and it’s okay to walk it.” What did my over confident self think when he said that? “Gawff! Dacia doesn’t walk up hills!!! SHE RUNS THEM!”++ Did I mention how fit my boss is and how he probably is right? Yes, people, I am going to die mid-half-marathon.

So the novel writing contest...Ha! I got this idea for a book based on some song lyrics. I figured I could turn it into a full blown novel until I got to page 22 and thought, “Hmm….I don’t have a plot.” I am aimlessly writing and wondering just where this story is going. People have asked, “What are you writing about now?” and I can’t help but just stare at them like a deer frozen in headlights. I haven’t got a clue but I assure you all that it’s going to be a masterpiece+++.

As of today, I have decided that I am not going to sign up for anything else after November. I can’t seem to keep a focus on anything and my CD’s seem to captivate my interest for right now. Although, as I look at this eclectic mash of musical taste, I can’t help but wonder—does even my music suffer from my inability to focus? *heavy sigh*

Looks like Spanish classes start up in January. Maybe I should look into those to give me some focus.


*Notice the use of ‘most likely’ here. It could happen…you never know.

**AND eating…always eating. I never seem to lose interest in that.

+ I am going to wear the thread out of that race t-shirt I tell you!

++ Clearly I am not only a victim of ADD, but also insanity. I am legally insane, I think.

+++Most crazy people do their best work at the height of their insanity.

The Writing Biz

What a whirlwind time I have had these past couple of weeks! Being a small time writing celebrity sure is a lot of work. I can’t wait to be a REAL celebrity with all my personal assistants in tow… imagine if you will, me, with four gorgeous assistants who keep me fed, watered, walked and happy. Wait a second—that almost sounds like a dog hoping for a family. Maybe I am a puppy. Nevertheless, dog or human, it would be grand.

So back to writing. I wrote a book. I have actually written two and the one I just finished self-publishing (which I would like to add is only for those writers who are mentally insane) is finally up for sale on Amazon.com. Never in my life did I think I would have a book for sale. I collected pre-orders for those who wanted theirs signed and the feedback has been outstanding. Supportive networks I have going on out there. But that’s not the first thing in this chain of wild events.

I said I’ve had a whirlwind of a few weeks (I seem to keep getting off track here) and it started with Meeting Ann Rule at a book signing in Tumwater. It was my first ever experience meeting a real author and I have to say, I was a little star struck! For once in my life, I was speechless until my new friend, Kim told me to speak. Oh! I suppose I should introduce Kim to the rest of you...

I met and made friends with a REAL reporter for a newspaper down in Lewis County. She* interviewed my dad and I for their local paper (while we stood in line waiting for Ann) and lo and behold we were printed up. Of course my dad had far wittier things to say, BUT! we were there just like Lloyd Christmas is to Harry Dunne** hamming up the scene. Anyhow, Kim is a really cool gal*** and perhaps I can bring her around Shelton for show and tell sometime.

So, back from the rabbit trail—my book is finally published and is released for sale, newspaper prints story, people are shoving $20 bills into my hands left and right, my oompa loompas are going crazy with all the crazy fans surrounding the estate, and this circus just keeps getting crazier. Perhaps I should start photographing my circus life? My next book Dacialand: The Circus in Pictures.

Anyhow, it’s been a fun ride thus far and I can’t wait for more…

Bring it on life, bring it on. +

*Kim the reporter!

**Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne are the characters in Dumb and Dumber. I had to explain who Lloyd Christmas was to my boss the other day so I just wanted to make sure everyone else understood this too. :)

***which makes me question – would a person make friends with someone they didn’t think was cool? My guess is no.

+Last time I said that I was given a HUGE project at work so I am thinking this mantra will work!

The Insanity of Runners

I completed the most difficult foot race ever yesterday. Every inch of my body aches and I can’t seem to find the phone number for that good looking Swedish masseuse that I love so dearly. But nonetheless, I completed my goal and that’s what matters.

The part about running that I find to be insane is where the mind goes when the body is working that hard. For example, yesterday, the music in my iPod changed to Shakira’s She Wolf. Instantly I thought to myself, ‘I really do think there is a she-wolf in my closet!’ and my butt started swaying to the tempo – as I ran. I felt like suddenly I was on MTV and the world was watching me dance – but I wasn’t dancing, I was running. It wasn’t until a stump appeared out of nowhere that I stopped dancing.

Another funny thing happened…These two guys in incredibly SHORT-SHORTS* were running ahead of me when all of the sudden they started jumping up and down like to little girls yelping and screaming. I couldn’t help but completely stop what I was doing and stare. Apparently, they ran into a bees nest and one of them was stung 3 times! This was on mile 2 of 9… and he finished the race – are you kidding me?! I would have cried, asked for a refund and my mom. Insane. Completely insane.

My final thought is that when I get real fatigued, I start running with my imaginary friend, PB. I call him that because it’s short for Pretend Boyfriend and he is always super handsome**. At any rate, I think everyone who runs for distance has an imaginary friend. The part where it becomes insane is when you really want to quit and your very own imaginary friend*** starts telling you that you can’t quit and they lovingly sort of taunt you. Equally disturbing is when you vocalize your rationalization with your PB and NO ONE LOOKS AT YOU LIKE YOU ARE WEIRD.

So indeed, running is an insane sport which I love to compete in. And who knows? Maybe someday I will run with my PB on MTV with the bees.



*This is another blog post altogether.

**If my husband would run with me, I wouldn’t have to have a Pretend Imaginary Boyfriend. BUT! I am not sure that I would want my husband to compete with me? He would probably trip me at the finish line to win. I mean really? We all know him pretty well.

***Who YOU created.

Hungry

It seems no matter where you drive these days; you can find a homeless person on a corner begging for something. My heart truly goes out to these people, because in reality, it could be any one of us someday. I am thankful that for right now, I have my health, home, family and happiness.

HOWEVER! This is my blog and therefore, I can write whatever I want :). The other day, my bestie and I decided to make a trip to the grocery store to pick up some fresh veggies for dinner*. As we made our way out to the parking lot and into her Jetta, I noticed a man standing on the corner. Immediately, I felt sorry for this man as he had a cardboard sign with the word ‘HUNGRY’ scrawled across it in black sharpie**. When we made our way to that corner, I looked at my best friend and said, “Let’s give him your Snickers Marathon bar.”

Time out for a sidebar….

Now to truly paint an accurate picture about what happened next, I believe we must first define the term ‘hungry’. In my world, when I say I am hungry, that could mean a range of things such as;

• I’m eyeballing your food and would like you to share with me (I call this my dog approach);

• I am going to go from real nice to real mean in 2.5 seconds unless food is immediately shoved down my throat;

• I’m bored and since I don’t smoke anymore, food will have to do.

Other people have different meanings for the same basic idea. My boss, for example, will frequently wander out of his office, rub his tummy and say he’s hungry only to really mean that he’s wondering if I have a nice treat that he might like. My dad, well, when he’s hungry he typically means that he wants 2 pounds of bacon ASAP (refer to bullet #2 in my list – daughter like father??). And finally, there’s the type like my mom and sister would prefer to sample a little bit of everything for taste, texture and the like. These women tend to be of a higher class than my father and me.

SO! Back to the story….

Being the thoughtful person she is, Andrea rolled down the car window and reached over the top of me to hand this perfect stranger her marathon bar***. As she extended her arm and I smiled at him, he looked at us and said, “I don’t eat candy. Do you know what they put in those things?”

We were flabbergasted! Not to be pushed away from her handout so easily, Andrea said, “No, it’s not candy. It’s like a granola bar.”

He continued to look at us disgusted and said, “I can’t eat that.”

Needless to say, I promptly rolled up my window – thoroughly done with this Hobo.
I don’t know what this man expects when he has a sign that says ‘HUNGRY’. Did we not offer him food? Was he expecting organic wheat bread with almond paste+? If I was truly hungry, I would think that I would eat anything offered to be, barring of course inedible things such as wood.

So, in my now slanted view, I don’t feel quite as sorry for the homeless out there knowing that unless it’s money, they will turn it down.

Moral of this story: If he was hoping for sampling of foods, the dumbass was right in front of a grocery store and could have grazed the produce isle and deli. He deserves to be ‘HUNGRY’…..whatever that means to him…does he expect people to routinely roll around with bacon in their car?

*Those who know me well are probably thinking that I also picked up a bottle of wine too. Cynical people! Cynical correct people. 

**I identify with hungry…or rather just food in general. Eating happens to be one of my hobbies.

***I would like to mention that these bars are NOT cheap! They are about $1.80 each and runners typically eat them for energy. They are not a candy bar and are a considered a coveted food.

+ © Andrea Billingsley.

Margaritaville Excursion

As most of you know, I am planning to depart for Mexico soon. Leaving behind my precious cargo (daughter and husband) to their own devices*. Thing 1 and Thing 2 will also be on their own so I hope they don’t starve and my fake houseplants survive.

At any rate, I have thought about some activities of interest that I would like to do while livin’ la Vida Loca and one of these activities is drinking at a swim up bar. Those who know me well, know that I love the hot weather, have too many swimsuits/bikinis to count, particularly enjoy floating in my 12’ pool and especially enjoy all of this with a frozen margarita** in my hand. All of which leads me to believe that my return from Mexico may never happen—who would want to leave when the resort’s target demographic is me?! Hopefully my boss will forward my checks+ and my husband and daughter will come looking for me at some point…but not too soon.

But I am off the point, the point is this—what exactly happens at a swim up bar? For example, when I go to a Mexican bar, I am typically served chips and salsa with my margarita. I have also been known to drop a chip or two on the floor or accidently spill a drink++. So what actually happens at the bar when you are sitting in the pool and drop something in? Does the wait staff run over with a little vacuum cleaner and suck that stuff up out of the water or are you then swimming in a sea of margarita mix, chips, and salsa#?

So, during my excursion to Margaritaville, I hope something is dropped in the pool. I will be waiting anxiously with my camera to document this wonder and post to Facebook. The only thing left to wonder now is:

Where do all the drunken people pee?

*Dear God , help us all.

**Let’s not kid ourselves here. I like ANY cold alcoholic beverage in my hand on a warm summer day while floating. Who doesn’t?

+Teleworking was invented for Mexico.

++This is an exaggeration. My drinks are never on the table long enough to spill. It’s usually some drunkard that leans into my table to slur some pick up line at me. Ew.

#This suddenly sounds like a dream come true.

Dogs in Public (or my house)

I love dogs. I must use that as my opening line or hate mail will certainly flood my in-box for what I am about say. However, I firmly believe in this post.

Dog lovers in America – why must you bring your four-legged friend with you to everything?

I don’t understand what has happened to otherwise sane people. They bring their dogs with them to everything. Just this summer, I have witnessed dogs in the following places*:

• Soccer games
• Football games
• Restaurants
• Hotels
• Funerals
• MY house (and it wasn’t my own dog)
• Parades
• Running races

These are just to name a few of the spots where I have spotted man’s best friend. People, I hate to be the smashhole who brings this up, but there are two things you must understand**; your dog is NOT a person and in some places, it is not okay to bring your pooch along.

On the first point, I have actually heard people say (and argue) that their dog was a person. In my head, I rebuttal with two main points, “Ah, no. It is a dog. No woman had intercourse and nine months later pushed your dog out.” And my second thought: “No matter how hard your dog tries, it could never run for political office, because it is, well (again I sound like an asshole here) a dog!” Do I really need to explain this point any further? And why do I appear to be the bad girl when these facts are stated? It’s not my fault that your dog has paws instead of fingers.

On the other side, there are places where it is appropriate and inappropriate to bring your dog. My house, for example, is inappropriate. I have two cats. Would you like me to bring them over and let them loose in your home? I doubt it. I have often pondered loading them up in their carrier and taking them to a friend’s house. Imagine the shock when Thing 1 and Thing 2 bolt out of their crates in the friend’s house to poop in the potted plants and climb the curtains? HA! Take that, you dog-lover-who-brings-your-dog-over-to-shit-on-my-floor! HA HA HA!

What started this whole topic today was that while watching my daughter’s game this morning a Saint Bernard ran onto the field. Really? This isn’t even a trendy dog that fits in a purse! So, while I was content to keep my mouth shut and not comment on the topic, the annoying dog lovers (who cram their dogs down my throat) evoked this post.

With that, I would like my final thought to be this: If your dog is worth something to you, take its picture and put it on the front of a t-shirt. I will acknowledge it from there. Unless of course you or your dog is hideously ugly....In that case, no matter what you do will elicit my attention...well, nudity always does, but that's for another post.

*Note that none of these are service dogs.

**Lest you garner yourself an asshole for the remainder of your existence.

In a Million Words or Less...

Tiana's new Literacy teacher, Ms. Shrum (a.k.a. Katie Shrum's mother in law) (a.k.a. *Tony Shrum's mom) sent home some homework for us deadbeat parents to do. Now, I don't know about the rest of ya'll but I finished college a while back and have a $40,000 piece of paper that says I don't have to do homework anymore.... But! Since that piece of paper isn't paid off, and I think Ms. Shrum has the authority to send my kid to detention, I did the homework**.

The homework assignment was to write about your student to help the teacher get to know your child***. The following is what I submitted (really complete with header!):

Dacia Stricklett
(Tiana Dunbar's Mom)
September 7, 2010
Literacy/Shrum

In a Million Words or Less…

Tiana Dunbar. Really? What more needs to be said? She is by far the biggest rockstar her dad and I know. She is constantly surfing iTunes to download the latest and greatest music, all the while grooving out to what she already has streaming into her ear buds.

I lovingly refer to her as my ‘fashionista’ as she is equally engrossed with fashion as she is with music. As a regular subscriber to Teen Vogue, she will try just about any new trend out there — from scarves to hats, skinny jeans to flare or boot cut — Tiana knows what to put together to maintain her status as a fashion icon.

However, do not let these seemingly girlish things fool you! She is one intelligent young woman. Tiana excels in every subject as she yearns to learn about the world around her. She is a well rounded student who studies regularly and asks for help when needed. Some of her favorite subjects include math and P.E. but once you get to know her, you will soon realize what a great story teller she is too!

Tiana likes to be the center of her attention, much like her mom, and can tell tales that will have her audience in stitches often. A wise teacher would keep a close eye on this show stopper as she can tend to distract if given the opportunity. That may seem like a negative characteristic, but sometimes the distractions in life are what add to the scenery of the journey.

As an athlete in many sports, a friend to many, a good student, and the world’s best daughter — it’s hard to keep this assignment to one page. However, I must, as I am sure there are other students you need to read about although most (I would have to say in my very unbiased opinion :)) are probably not as entertaining as Miss Tiana Dunbar!

Enjoy the school year!

*Tony is married to Katie if any of you weren't making the connection. :)

**And I would like to add that I turned it in 16 days before it was due... Take note procrastinators!

***Really, we all know this is the exercise to weed out the 'bad' kids.