Rabbit Food

On the evening news the other night, one of the anchors was presenting a national health report. I always perk up during this segment always interested in what the latest trends in health are. I wasn’t at all surprised to hear that smoking rates were at an all-time low (as they are almost $10/pack now). But the shocking part of this report was when the woman announced that obesity is at an all time high and researchers couldn’t come to a consensus as to why.

Now, for those of you who are non-smokers, I don’t expect you to understand this. However! It shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that people who quit smoking gain weight. I think that next time they have an opening for the Executive Director of the APHA — I might throw my name in the hat just to see what happens… Based on what I’ve heard, it can’t be that difficult of a job. Hell, I might even be successful!

I just reached eight months of non-smoking status and keeping the fork out of my mouth is the most difficult part of quitting. If you can’t tell by my cynical writing— I am not thrilled with the weight gain. I’ve gained 12 pounds. I would like to think that it’s muscle (and most good people will lie and say that it is) but I know it’s not. Since when did potato chips and Starbucks contribute to muscle gain? They don’t. Bummer.

So instead of complaining about this gain I decided I had two options: A.) Start smoking again (YAY!!!) or, B.) Work out and watch what I eat. I crunched the numbers and unless I get a substantial pay raise, I don’t think I can afford to smoke again. I really don’t know how I would pitch an increase in salary to my supervisor either. So, I really am only left with option B.

Here I am. The end of week one. I just went grocery shopping with my husband and it wasn’t pleasant for either of us. I put Cheetos in the basket, he took them out and replaced them with rice cakes. Cookies – out. Vegetables – in. I was thoroughly irritated that by the time we left I promised I would go home and make a huge breakfast of greasy food. That would sure show him!

I watched as he put away the normal food and my rabbit food was put in special places by itself to make it easily accessible. I was chastised by my husband to quit pouting and that I would thank him this summer when I would once again rule the backyard in my tiny bikini. I doubted that I would ever be thankful that I was living off granola, rice cakes and veggies and continued my glare-down as he made himself a pepperoni pizza for breakfast.

I only perked up when he said that he would need to start exercising soon because he too, would like to trim down before summer. Wicked thoughts flashed through my mind of making him do push-ups and sit-ups with me. Jumping jacks and squats…. VUAHHH HAHAHA!!!

Misery truly does love company.

Starbucks

I woke with a start this morning; heart pounding and skin balmy. I had an affair last night…with Brad Pitt. CRAP! I really hope my husband doesn’t find out! After I took a minute to calm down, I realized that it was just a bad dream. Or let’s just say a dream – because all things Brad Pitt are good. I had to smile to myself because I got to enjoy all the benefits of cheating on my spouse without the guilt. POOF! Brad just evaporated and I can go on with my day. Dreams are a wonderful thing, and so are nicotine patches when you accidentally leave them on overnight.

I had an award ceremony to attend for work this morning in Seattle. I had stayed overnight with a co-worker so that I could eliminate an early morning commute. The award ceremony was delightful and went off without a hitch. After the award ceremony, I was dropped off at the Coleman Dock to take the nine o’clock ferry into Bremerton where my car was patiently awaiting my arrival. However, I missed the boat. Dang! I waited for the next one, at ten, and was delighted to finally be on my way home on a nearly empty vessel.

As I parted ways with the boat, it occurred to me that I still had an hour drive ahead of me and was pretty tired. I had remembered seeing a Starbucks the day before so I high tailed it in the general direction of the coffee Mecca. With my perfectly pressed suit, designer shades, and luggage trailing behind me; I plowed through the door like I owned the place. I clip-clopped my way to the counter and fumbled with my wallet (envision this like a crack-head looking for a crumpled $20) and barely greeted the gal about to take my order before demanding a caramel macchiato. It was then that I looked up.

Mind you, the girl smiling back at me was very pretty; however, her hair seemed ‘off’. Upon closer inspection, I determined that most of her hair had to have been a wig or Jessica Simpson hairpiece. I tried not to be obvious about it but I couldn’t take my eyes off her bouffant ‘do.
Now…this is where it gets weird. As she turns to teeter over to the espresso machine I realize that she doesn’t have any pants on! Something tells me that whatever was in the apple martini I had consumed during happy hour the day before is some good stuff. I mean, really?! Pants are now OPTIONAL in the workplace?? To make things even more interesting, she was even sporting go-go boots. I mean, I thought this was STARBUCKS? Don’t they have to wear green or black polo shirts? Maybe the corporation doesn’t specify that the employees must also wear pants. Someone really screwed up the policies there....

Moral of the story: I am no longer wearing pants if the workers at Starbucks don’t have to. AND! Apple martinis are god’s single greatest creation.