Doggie Style

Every great American childhood has at least one pooch in it. Except for my daughter’s childhood. This is why my husband and I have decided that now it is finally time to start looking to adopt a dog to round out our family of three. Of course, in my world, this isn’t a simplistic process.

We used to have a dog by the name Ubu. She was a cute dog who I loved very much. The story of how I acquired her in the first place is a story all its own. The day I got Ubu was the day in which I took my first ‘mental health day’ from work. It was a day that I just couldn’t seem to muster the strength to yard myself out of a very cozy bed in which to work my tail off for a good nine hours. Instead, I convinced a pal to also skip work with me. He obliged and we met at the casino and enjoyed breakfast and good conversation.

After a leisurely breakfast, it was time to hit some slot machines and try our luck….By ten in the morning, we were both pretty drunk and I was up by about $500. It was then that I decided (after much discussion and contemplation1) that what I needed most in my life was a four-legged furry friend to spend my days with.

We arrived at the county pound around 10:15 a.m. and had to wait for them to open. Once they did, I spied Ubu and slurred to the pound keeper, “Weeee’ll take er!!” After a flourish of pen markings on a sheet of paper, I emerged from the pound with a dirt covered animal that was more than happy to leave doggy jail. My friend and I proceeded to the local grocery store where I loaded up on at least $200 worth of puppy supplies. From there, we promptly made our way to the Do-it-Yourself dog groomers where I polished my new puppy - I WAS IN LOVE!

I got home and didn’t know really what to do. So I took a nap. I awoke to a crunching noise that I couldn’t quite place. After staggering around my house for a bit, I found Ubu – delightfully eating my wall. I panicked before reality hit me and I realized that this was my dog2! I picked her up and brought her back to bed with me. I tossed and turned as I tried to get her to lie down. Finally, she rested right alongside me. After about twenty minutes of light sleeping, I awoke once again to the sensation that I wet the bed3! It wasn’t until I threw off the blanket that I realized it wasn’t me who wet the bed.

Needless to say – One wall, a drainage ditch, a gas furnace, five pairs of shoes, a couple of baby gates, a dumpster, two bras, a book, a movie, two video games, and numerous other items – Ubu had to go live someplace else. The only time she became destructive was when I went to work. After realizing that it was costing me too much money to go to work every day – I found The Ubunator a new home4 where she has happily lived ever since.

Now that we learned our lesson, we plan to get a new puppy. This time, my husband believes that if we get a pure breed, it won’t do as much damage.

His choice – a Labrador Retriever. Good luck to us!

1 About five minutes of drive time.
2 Holy crap! That wasn’t a dream?!
3 Gross. Not good.
4 My choices were that or permanent unemployment.