Java Juggs

Bikini Baristas! I can now say that I have officially seen one with my own eyes and it wasn’t all that I hoped it would be. For the past year or so, women who brew espresso have been popping up everywhere in Western Washington sans clothing. Sure, they wear pasties and thongs, but really – those don’t count as clothes.

There are a few things that I would like to point out which I simply don’t understand:

#1. In Western Washington it rains and is cold for 364 days in the year. Do these young women not get cold? I feel like I should start a clothing drive for them so that they don’t freeze to death. I will call my drive, “Blankets for Bimbos” and collect said blankets at bikini selling businesses throughout the Puget Sound area.

#2. Believe it or not, witty and wonderful I used to sell coffee – and I LOVED IT! It was really the best job I ever had. However, I would like to beg the question that has floated around in my mind since I heard of this concept: Who rolls out of bed at 4:00 a.m. to open a stand at 5:00 a.m. and WILLINGLY wants to put on a bikini and/or costume and/or pasties? Throughout my barista days, I could hardly get my hung-over body out of bed to put on a Carhartt Hoodie. These women have GOT TO BE hard up for the cash.

#3. I have heard the arguments for and against the elicit coffee stands and I am really at a point that as long as they employ people, pay their taxes, and don’t give out sexual favors where I can see, I could really care less. I mean, look how long Hooters has made their girls wear those hideous nylons with their shorts?! They should be shut down based solely on their fashion faux pas. (or the girls that work there should sue the pants out of the corporate offices for making them wear such awful uniforms. Hooter girls – if you are reading this, I will totally represent you!)

#4. Point number three never really had a point, so with this point (#4)… why haven’t the naysayers brought up the issue of safety and litigation? If one of these girls accidentally spill coffee down their stomach or other womanly areas, they could be seriously injured and sue the owners. Let the girls wear what they want, but make them wear a Visqueen Plastic see-thru track suit for goodness sake! Besides, I don’t want my tax dollars going to defend them after they have been burned. I have people on welfare to support (duh)!

So all in all, they are out there trying to make a buck, and I think that’s great. It is a super fun job and when you’re single, you can do as you please! I am sure not all the girls do favors for money but I would like to warn any of them who read this to avoid writing down that they work for ‘Java Juggs’ when trying to gain real employment.

When I asked my husband to pull around so I could see a real life bikini barista, he thought I was insane, or had the possibility of lesbian tendencies. However, now that he is reading my blog, he knows it was a tricky ploy for good writing material. I will probably never get coffee from one of these places but the experience of seeing the trauma first hand was shocking and very educational – it really does exist. My husband, poor sap, realized all too quickly that these women are just like strippers – laden with zits and faces of steeds.

Drink on, I told him. Drink on…