Rabbit Food

On the evening news the other night, one of the anchors was presenting a national health report. I always perk up during this segment always interested in what the latest trends in health are. I wasn’t at all surprised to hear that smoking rates were at an all-time low (as they are almost $10/pack now). But the shocking part of this report was when the woman announced that obesity is at an all time high and researchers couldn’t come to a consensus as to why.

Now, for those of you who are non-smokers, I don’t expect you to understand this. However! It shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that people who quit smoking gain weight. I think that next time they have an opening for the Executive Director of the APHA — I might throw my name in the hat just to see what happens… Based on what I’ve heard, it can’t be that difficult of a job. Hell, I might even be successful!

I just reached eight months of non-smoking status and keeping the fork out of my mouth is the most difficult part of quitting. If you can’t tell by my cynical writing— I am not thrilled with the weight gain. I’ve gained 12 pounds. I would like to think that it’s muscle (and most good people will lie and say that it is) but I know it’s not. Since when did potato chips and Starbucks contribute to muscle gain? They don’t. Bummer.

So instead of complaining about this gain I decided I had two options: A.) Start smoking again (YAY!!!) or, B.) Work out and watch what I eat. I crunched the numbers and unless I get a substantial pay raise, I don’t think I can afford to smoke again. I really don’t know how I would pitch an increase in salary to my supervisor either. So, I really am only left with option B.

Here I am. The end of week one. I just went grocery shopping with my husband and it wasn’t pleasant for either of us. I put Cheetos in the basket, he took them out and replaced them with rice cakes. Cookies – out. Vegetables – in. I was thoroughly irritated that by the time we left I promised I would go home and make a huge breakfast of greasy food. That would sure show him!

I watched as he put away the normal food and my rabbit food was put in special places by itself to make it easily accessible. I was chastised by my husband to quit pouting and that I would thank him this summer when I would once again rule the backyard in my tiny bikini. I doubted that I would ever be thankful that I was living off granola, rice cakes and veggies and continued my glare-down as he made himself a pepperoni pizza for breakfast.

I only perked up when he said that he would need to start exercising soon because he too, would like to trim down before summer. Wicked thoughts flashed through my mind of making him do push-ups and sit-ups with me. Jumping jacks and squats…. VUAHHH HAHAHA!!!

Misery truly does love company.

Weight Gain

I quit smoking four months ago. I know this should be really good for me, but in reality, I just traded up from lung disease to heart disease because I can’t keep the fork out of my mouth. I see that this is normally a problem for most when they quit smoking, but honestly, my muffin top is morphing into a loaf. My husband, bless his soul, is trying to shed some weight with me.

Being the great support system we are, we write out a grocery list that is complete with healthy fruits, veggies, non-fat this, low calorie that and we are determined to be the next models of fitness magazine…Until the other one isn’t looking.

Just the other day, I was dumping some coffee grounds into the garbage when I noticed a Burger King bag precariously hidden beneath other garbage. Does my husband really think I don’t search the trash?? C’mon! I love to snoop; I actually have that listed as a hobby on Facebook! When I confronted him with the bag, he pretended like he had no idea it was there and couldn’t understand why ANYONE in our house would order a double Whopper with extra bacon and mayo. The audacity of someone in our house doing that is absurd! He only stopped yapping when my eyes narrowed on the Burger King cup in front of him. Like a deer in headlights, he dare not acknowledge the cup but rather paid me a compliment on my slippers. Game over buddy.

So back to myself. I made an honest effort to go running the other day. It is something I enjoy to do, yet, I have built parameters in which it makes it almost impossible to run. For example, I don’t like to run right when I wake up. That’s way too much, too soon and honestly people, you know me—when do I ever wake up on a day that I can run in the morning NOT hung over? My point is made.

However, the other philosophy is that if I get moving really soon after I wake, my brain hasn’t woken up enough to realize that exercise is happening. So really, it’s a 50/50 shot on the timing of the run. I don’t like to run when it’s warm. I already sweat like a pig in menopause that I don’t need the sunshine contributing. BUT! The gray skies are depressing to run in so it really needs to be a mix of blue skies with the sun partially hidden behind clouds. You can imagine my plight and what a chore running can be for me. Did I mention I only run on flat terrain?

I digress…today I decided that I would eat healthy and run after work. I brought everything with me and listened to New Kids on the Block all the way in to the office. I put myself in a positive mental state and was ready to kick some caloric ass when I parked my car. I headed into my building (running gear in hand) and took the elevator from the garage to the second floor. Wait?! WHAT?! NO WONDER I AM GAINING WEIGHT! I prepare myself for a healthy day, and then avoid 4 flights of stairs and unconsciously take the elevator….

***Sigh*** I can’t win.

Moral of the story:

Someone, please get me a cigarette and for goodness sake; clean out the McDonald’s wrappers hidden in my trunk before my husband finds them.