Dacia’s Dating Guide

I went to lunch today where I learned that my cousin has started dating again. I was instantly excited for her and then was abruptly disenchanted when I heard what kind of A-holes are out there. I thought about it a lot today and I have a lot of knowledge to share about dating. This post will be geared towards the ladies, but guys, please feel free to use the same advice (although reverse the genders. Unless you are gay, then that might not be necessary).

Advice #1: No one is that happy.
How many times have you received a ‘lol’ or ‘haha’ or ‘:)' from this person when messaging them electronically? If they use it regularly, or god forbid, all the time, ditch them. No one is that happy. I don’t care who you are. If you truly smile all the time, laugh out loud or chuckle that much, you are either a toothpaste model, on drugs or psycho. And with the economy being what it is, I doubt there is much demand for toothpaste models.

Advice #2: Get them intoxicated—and quickly.
Invite your said date back to your place for some cocktails. While you pour yourself some “red wine” (read: diet cranberry juice) give them the hard stuff and as much of it as you can. The goal in this task is that you want them to be too drunk to drive, carry on a conversation, want sex, and therefore ultimately pass out on your sofa. Once Mr. Houseguest Extraordinaire is counting sheep, take his wallet and run a background and credit check. As a lady of 2010, you have a right to know their criminal background and if they are broke or not*. It is essential to ensure maximum credit worthiness.

Advice #3: Avoid the Red Flags
Girls…some of you extremely disappoint me. If you see the red flags, and you know you know what they are, run. Simple as that. Don’t be a smash hole and stay because you think you can fix them. You don’t invest in broken stilettos to repair the heels so why would you invest your time into fixing a broken man? Yuck. Just don’t do it.

Advice #4: Get Dumped Gracefully
This is a huge one and an element not to be overlooked. Guys don’t like to feel like losers. SO! If they dump you, you treat them like a used car that turned out to be a lemon—because they clearly are! When they say “This just isn’t going to work out for me.” You look them dead in their eyes (DO NOT CRY) and you say, “Well, it was a pleasure getting to know you.” Then you smile, shake their hand, and walk away confidently. The man will wonder what in the hell just happened, they will question if the chick they are going to date next is worth it, and always just wonder about you—as they should!

Advice #4 really works because round two can always be a lot of fun with someone you already know. Besides, you can always rub it in their face when they realize what a mistake they made. And trust me they always come back—always**. Also, it always helps to run into them with the girl they dumped you for.

Imagine for a moment if you will…

She turns mousey and chubby (like we all do when we settle down***) but you are still super glam because you’re single and loving life. You see them out at a bar and he looks at you longingly and miserably and you cross the room (in the model catwalk way because you’ve been practicing) and you hold your hand out and say, “Oh! You must be (insert dumpy girl’s name here)! It’s so nice to meet you! I am (Insert your WAYYY better name here). (Pause and let it sink in who you are. Then add…) Your boyfriend and I used to date but (insert his excuse for breaking up so it sounds really lame. An example might be: we were just two different people). But you two look great together! Have a great evening!” Perhaps and added wink for effect is nice here.

The point is, you can be a nice girl, but date intelligently and get what you want all while having fun. So, cheers to the single ladies out there. I wish you luck, and I hope you all get dumped once after reading this, because getting the boot can sometimes be the best part of dating.


*Some credit blunders are okay and excusable—we are in the middle of a recession.
**When people in general are rejected, they start acting like stray cats.
***I’m not gonna pretend like some women don’t. They just get this “taken” look about them.