Airplane Etiquette

(Authors note: This was meant to be a funny post that sort of turned into a rant. So basically, I want you to take it seriously and laugh.)

I just returned home from jet-setting to one of my favorite places – Los Angeles, California. It has such an eclectic vibe from Hollywood hopefuls, to the extremely wealthy of the 90210, Venice beach bums, regular city bums, and tourists. ­­­­­The trip itself was a fabulous time and I can’t wait to go back. Unfortunately, I wish there was a way to teleport myself rather than fly.

I will be the first to admit, no matter how much I travel, the minute I see my name printed on a boarding pass (which I will then promptly lose and panic – I really should switch to electronic boarding passes) I get a case of the butterflies in my stomach. I love to fly. I like the uninterrupted me time that it affords. I can finally knock out a few hours of reading, napping, watching a movie, or staring down the aisle (I don’t do window seats). However! I still do not understand how travelers still fail to follow airplane etiquette. Below is my list of airplane etiquette do’s and don’ts.

Security Check-Point

The reason for a security check-point is to make sure you aren’t a lunatic terrorist. Additionally, this check-point also highlights the narcissistic jackasses that may be on the same flight as you. Every person should know by now that when you go to the airport EVERYTHING goes into the plastic bin to be scanned. Basically, if the airport could get you down to your roos, they would. They scan everything. Read that again, everything. Shoes, wallets, purses, belts, jackets, cell phones, iPads, laptops, you name it – if it can come off of you without causing you to be naked, it is coming off and being scanned. There is no use in asking if you should take it off – just do it. This process takes so long because people are idiots and believe they are above the scan. You are not. Additionally, after you have asked your 20 “clarifying” questions, do not re-dress on the other end of the conveyer belt after you have been scanned. Grab your crap and hustle out of the way. Nothing is more annoying than a fashion plate diva taking her time to put on her clothes and jewelry and then continuing to wait while she reorganizes her purse. Don’t be that girl (or guy)! And really, who needs to be that dressed up for a flight?

Carry-On Bags

Notice that this subheading didn’t read carry-on luggage? Nothing irks me more than someone trying to shove a 75lb bag that is bulging at the seams into the overhead compartment. They have measurements and protocols in place because that is what comfortably fits in the overhead compartment! I realize with the increase of fees in the airline industry that people are trying to get away with only packing a carry-on, but if you simply can’t fit your two weeks’ worth of ensembles into a small carry-on bag, then please check it. Listen up – even if you miraculously make it past the airline stewards, you are being a complete asshat to your fellow traveling mates by standing there trying to shove an elephant into a mouse hole. CHECK YOUR BAG.

My Seat, Your Seat

Remember that line in Dirty Dancing, “This is my dance space; this is your dance space. I don’t go into yours, you don’t go into mine”? The same is true on an airplane. Please do not use the back of the seat in front of you to haul your butt up to use the restroom. This is what an arm rest is for. Additionally, don’t be an armrest hog – you only get one and the other person next to you gets the other. Keep your elbows in when it isn’t your armrest. However, should the person sitting next to you curl up in the fetal position and zonk out (presumably hung over), you are more than welcome to use their arm rest until they wake up. Also, do no­­t ask someone to switch seats with you. They picked their seat when they booked the flight and so did you. Too bad your friends didn’t wait for you to agree to the trip before booking their flights – this is a friend problem, not a stranger-in-the-seat-you-want problem.

Also, about your seat…if you are a person who needs to use the restroom a lot more than usual, DO NOT book yourself for a window seat. Window seats are reserved for sleepers, those with known and chronic hangovers, people who do not want to interact and those who can hold their bladder. Aisle seats are for those more active travelers who constantly need to get up. Middle seats are for those who didn’t book their own flight (spouses, kids, etc). So please, choose your seat according to your pre-assessed needs.

Safety is a MUST

This message should be clear – SHUT UP during the safety briefing. If you fly frequently this may be hard to do, but first time flyers need to know what to do in an emergency. Really. This is a big deal, shut up and listen. The whole song and dance goes for a whopping 2 minutes (believe me, I timed it) so please, shut your trap and watch the pretty lady point to the illuminated strips on the floor that lead to the exit.

Eat this, Not that

I am not talking about a diet here. There is an appropriate time for certain foods and an inappropriate time. For loud crunchy people, flight is about the only time you can crunch without annoying anyone so go ahead and chomp away. However, there are certain foods you should never eat within close proximity of people who can’t get away from your smelly self:

·         Corn Nuts

·         Doritos

·         Corn Nuts

·         Funyuns – think, “Fun for No one!”

·         Fritos

·         Flavored Potato Chips

·         Corn Nuts

·         Cheetos

Did I mention Corn Nuts? Never fails that someone on the flight just happened to pick up a 10 pound bag of those damn things. Gross. Don’t make people smell your food.

Smelly Cat

In relation to Eat this, Not that, please – PLEASE – shower, wear clean clothes, wash your hair and use deodorant the day of your flight. No one wants to sit next to the stinky person and believe me, EVERYONE can smell you.

De-Boarding

Getting off the plane is just as important as the rest of the flight. Here are my tips:

1.       Wait for the rows ahead of you to disembark before you. Meaning: don’t bum rush up the middle aisle hoping to jump ahead in the cue. Wait your turn.

2.       Gents, if a lady is sitting across from you – or ladies, a person who is your elder – let them out first. Common courtesy.

3.       If you were the jackass that shoved your oversized luggage in the overhead compartment, it would behoove you to wait for others to pass you before you start your struggle with your bag.

Note to the airlines: Why can’t people without any carry-on bags exit the aircraft first? Seems to me you would clear out a lot of the congestion and give the carry-on folks room for their bags to come out of the overhead compartment. Brilliant, yes??

Some final thoughts, I know it is allowable to have children and small animals on airplanes, but if you can’t legally drug them and they are feisty at home – please leave them at home. I didn’t just pay a ton of money to hear you argue with your kid for six hours on my way to Mexico. Besides, what terrible parent brings their young children to Mexico? Are you a glutton for punishment?? No need for your “all-inclusive”….

Anyhow, next time you get on a plane headed somewhere, please dig deep into your etiquette pockets and do everyone a favor by not being an asshat.

 (Authors note: Rant Over. Seriously.)