The Most Awful Interview – Ever.

I had long believed that the worst interview I had ever witnessed was when Britney Spears sat down with Barbara Walters shortly after her split with K-Fed. (Poor guy, does anyone else think it’s slightly rude to only refer to a man by his Hollywood made-up nickname?). Anyhow, I thought that was bad - until I did my very first phone interview. Then I, lowly Dacia, took the crown from the princess of pop, or whatever they call her.

For those of you who are professional interviewers who never get chosen for the position (like me) you don’t get overly excited or anxious about an interview. How hard can it be you ask yourself. You have done a zillion of them. In fact, you could probably recite your “Tell us about yourself” elevator speech backwards because you know it so well. You can theatrically represent the best customer service you ever provided when you heroically saved the day – and the baby from the 10^th story of a burning building – and righted all wrongs. This was me prior to the one phone call that destroyed me.

It was a lovely winter day and I was plugging along at my desk. My phone rang and when I answered it, a kind woman asked if I would like to interview for a position I had applied for a few weeks earlier. I eagerly replied that I would love to and opened my calendar. The only days I couldn’t do it were the following Wednesday thru Friday as I would be out of town on vacation. Of course, since I put that thought out into the universe and I clearly have some terrible karma coming my way, the only day that was available for me to interview was day 1 of my vacation. FML. There goes airplane shots and trap music. In sort of a panicked state, I tried to get the phone lady to reschedule me for a different time. Due to more terrible karma, the day and time stuck with me – I had to do my interview over the phone.

The position I applied for was a level higher than where I currently am. It wasn’t a giant leap by any stretch but it was a position that I couldn’t pass up. It was a great next step in my career. I had met with the manager before applying and of course he was smart as a whip (did that phrase just age me by 20 years?!) and a total doll. I kind of really wanted the job. The only catch was that while I met the qualifications, I had no real direct experience in the job. I had actually worked in a similar job but really I watched my co-workers perform this job. Let me put it to you like this…..I figured since I could strut my stuff down my hallway at home, a catwalk as a model would be a slam dunk.

So like any college try, I studied my ass off and even wrote out answers to imaginary questions. I practiced in the mirror and I even thought of a few interview jokes. I learned who would be interviewing me and I had diagrams of their work printed off from the internet. I was prepared! I even took it so far to practice my “phone voice” with my friends (note: sex phone operator jobs are no joke! You really have to have a knack for it!). 

Some of the advantages of phone interviewing (which are VERY few) is that I didn’t have to get into my hair stylist to have my roots touched up, no power suit or crash diet needed, no sitting with a ramrod straight back uncomfortably for an hour or more and my hair wouldn’t go flat. Outside of that, Screwedville was straight where I was headed – without a margarita or airplane shot.

When I got to my destination and checked into my accommodations, I settled into my interview mode. I shoved my boyfriend into a dark closet (I needed privacy) and sprawled all of my materials around me. When the phone call came I realized that they were putting me on mute while I answered their questions. Dead silence doesn’t lend itself to comfort! I panicked and answered their questions with a bunch of “um….ya know……uh…” After about 10 minutes of that, I was ready to have an accidental disconnect and then promptly die. Instead, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and continued to fight the good fight. This is when they decided to lighten the mood and ask some personality questions. Great.

Personality Question 1: If you could be any animal, what would it be?

Now, Facebook quizzes have pointed to my spirit animal being a buffalo, but I am not sure how I would creatively work this into an interview piece. Instead I announce (loudly mind you. Too loudly.) a Cheetah. Now, why on earth would I pick a Cheetah? Well in some cases, I could say that I very closely resemble a cat. A domestic cat that sleeps 12-16 hours any given day and only wakes to sleep and shit. Yep, sounds a lot like me. I could also spin the Cheetah choice into something like “Oh I picked a cheetah because they are the fastest land mammal and they live in sunny places!” (which is what I said). But the real reason I chose a cheetah? Because I did a 5^th grade report on them and at the time of the interview question, that was the only animal I could think of.

Personality Question 2: If we were celebrating our successes as a team in a year from now, what would those successes be?

My answer: A job well done and accomplishing our goals. They should have replied: Duh dumb shit, that is why we are celebrating. Honestly, the only thing that came to my mind with this question was, what bar was said “celebration” being held at, what was I going to wear to my imaginary celebration, and was it a Mojito or Coors Light kind of night. I successfully turned this question into a conversation about cupcakes and the importance of food in my life so hopefully I gained a point or two.

Personality Question 3: What is your favorite quote and what does it mean to you?

The only thing buzzing through my brain at this moment are 2Pac lyrics that are in no way shape or form appropriate for the office or anywhere really. I couldn’t really pop off with something along the lines of gang violence and food stamps. But honestly NOTHING came to mind. Instead, I went for half a Bible verse, couldn’t remember the rest of it, and ended with hakuna matata. I quoted the damn Lion King.

Needless to say, it was a “don’t call us, we’ll call you” situation and I ended the call. I let my boyfriend out of the closet and our vacation began.

Moral of the story… DO NOT EVER INTERVIEW OVER THE PHONE!

Update: The super cool manager called me a week later to tell me that I did an amazing job and that I was the most genuine and friendly person. This is manager talk for: “Girl, you have got the mind of a jelly bean.” They didn’t hire me. Onto the next.