Organized Sports

I excel at very little in this life of mine. The three sports where I really kick some ass happen to be drinking, shopping and pampering myself. To all of you Negative Nellie’s out there who think I am kidding; these three sports really are just that. They are organized by an objective (to get hammered, collect items you want, make yourself pretty), have clearly defined rules (don’t vomit, don’t exceed your credit spending limit, no plastic surgery), and are clearly competitive (Beer pong, end-of-season sales, look prettier than everyone else). So when I was asked to play soccer this spring, I was thrilled that I would be able to contribute my abilities to a new area.

And contribute I have! I have mad skillz. I have skillz that would make any five year old nervous. I see the ball and I run for it. No matter that I am playing defense and running to score, or that while playing offence, I hang back to talk to the other team’s defenders. I am that good.

There are other girls on my team who are constantly cheering me on to “Kick the Damn Ball!” and “Offsides!” These girls are truly good players and its super awesome of them to help me along and coach me as I come to my own. There annoyance of me as their team member is barely noticeable and when I run to kick the ball and totally miss - they laugh right along with me.

The men on my team are another story. They look at me and encourage me to kick and yell to me that I don’t need to duck when the ball comes flying at my face at 90 miles an hour. (No really, that happened. I almost broke my perfect nose because the KICKING COACH of the SOUNDERS was playing for the other team! Like really? He needs to play on a coed recreational team?? Loser.) This season has truly been a delight every step and game of the way. I can now add this to my list of specialties…anyone need an extra player for summer?

So what I have learned this soccer season is that at least I am the hottest girl on the team, with the best outfit and I mask my beer breath before I make it on the field. Otherwise, I would have been a terrible addition to their team.