Public Bathrooms

Can I ask a question that no one else in the world has dared to approach? Who in their right mind created the inspiration behind public bathrooms? I mean really? It must have been someone from a European country (they are all about nudity) and definitely a man. No woman would have willingly put two to three commodes in the same room so that women could defecate and urinate together. It’s just a foul concept.

For the female race, you know when someone is taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. Merrily, you waltz into the bathroom needing to pee really quickly and touch up your make-up when suddenly; you notice the restroom is eerily quiet. So quiet in fact, that it dawns on you that someone is pooping behind one of the stall doors. Sure enough, after looking under the door, you see feet sitting as still as possible. One eye roll later (since you are already committed to using that bathroom) and you race as fast as you can into the stall to do your business and get out of there.

Meanwhile, the person in the stall peers through the crack in the door only to realize the person coming in is a cubicle farm mate and so they can’t exactly be honest and yell for some privacy. No, no, that would be too obvious! So the human female will sit there, like a deer in headlights (deadly silent), waiting for the intruder to pee and get out.

If all goes well, this is just how it is done. Awkwardness fills women’s bathrooms across the United States every day, but all women manage to get through it.

When it doesn’t go well is when some moron chooses the stall directly next to you. Ladies, I am here to tell you, there is a one stall separation rule that most of you clearly don’t understand. When I am sitting there like a discomfited deer, the last thing that I want to happen is to have your dumb ass sit down in the stall next to me! Do you really need to be that close to me while I relieve myself? I think not! Do me (and the rest of the females on earth) the courtesy of taking a stall at the opposite end of the restroom.

And may you perish; if while sitting on the toilet, you start chatting me up from the next stall because you recognized my shoes. That is disgusting and you are a complete idiot.